So as I continue my summer vacation, it is about time that I am honest with myself.
Why am I gonna post it here?
Cause writing it in a book o making a video for myself doesn’t help. It used to but not anymore. Not about this. I’m putting it here case I feel safe and I know someone will give me the honest advice and help I need.
I can’t keep wearing this mask.
Not to myself. Not to my friends. Not to my family.
It has to end now.
Honestly, I need a lot of help.
Back in February, I got a concussion. I know its not the first time you’ve heard that. It is actually quiet common these days, especially with athletes. But for me I was different. I was in a safe environment, physio. Trying to get rid of a pan that I couldn’t stand any longer. My therapist decided to try acupuncture to help get blood into the muscle to need out the strain that caused my pain. Long story short, it didn’t work. I ended up loosing conscienceness and landing face first on the cement floor. Luckily my amazing reflexes kicked in and I managed to save my face, but my front right lobe got hit. Hard.
After that I continued life as normal. Slept it off the next day and then went to the school dance. My last for high school until prom. Then I went to work and then school. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t okay. I had blurry vision, dizziness, major headaches and a pressure that you couldn’t believe. I always try to use metaphors to try to explain this pain to my parents or doctors. It’s like taking the cheap plastic water bottles that aren’t reusable, twisting it when its empty just before the point that the lid pops off. That pressure inside, that’s my head. And to top it off, it makes me feel like someone keeps punching that pressure, which makes it even worse. I couldn’t focus, concentrate, move my eyes quick enough between the board and my paper to write down notes without wanting to rip out my eyes due to the pain and strain of them.
But the biggest thing that hit me was how I changed. I had just gotten my life on track. I had a pretty bad fight with a close friend and it ended up me having to leave someone so dear to my heart because they just didn’t give a damn. I had just gotten over it. Found the confidence I needed and took control of my life. I was out going, social, easy to talk to, and so so happy. Now, I am the polar opposite. Like I want to see people and go be adventuraous, but I have no energy. I don’t have the energy to try anymore. I don’t want to text. I don’t want to be on Facebook for hours. Between all my god damn appointments, I just want to… honestly, cry. Just cry my heart out.
I am so unbelievably stressed you wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Looking at your future, seeing what you want just before you grab it, and then your whole body disappears, and that once reachable goal is gone. I lost everything. I couldn’t be the academic I had always been, I had dropped about 20% is some classes, others 5%, but in the end, I just managed to keep up my honour role average.
Now to some, they may think I’m just a snot nose nerd that only cares about marks and education. Some of you may be laughing saying “ha! I wish I was able to get your marks.” Before, I would think you’re jelous, that you don’t try enough. Now, I realize how lucky I was. God I struggle just typing this, let alone writing a frigen test.
I feel so hopeless and broken. I was going to be in the sciences, excell in my class and work with the RCMP as a forensic scientist. Now, I’m just hoping I pass first semester. If not, a once 5 year program turns into 10 years. Or I may just switch my program. But then all my work over the past 4 years would be a waste. I honest to god don’t know what to do.
Now I see why my friends gave up on me. I was so consumed and worried about my world, that I neglected to help them with theirs. I was able to be there in emergencies and major dramatic events, but in daily problems, I was absent. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to laugh. God I just wanted to be alone. In my corner. With my self. And cry. And cry. And cry.
I went to one of my doctors this week, and they want me to seek psychiatric help. He could see all the emotion and stress that I was pushing down. He saw through my friendly mask the girl that I had become. I almost broke down when he said he could see me hold back some emotions when I talked about exams and school. When he asked me about my daily sadness, my irritability, my anxiety. Everything. Even though I haven’t known him long, he saw right through my mask. The only other person who can do that is my boyfriend.
Jesus, I don’t know how he deals with me. I’ll have a break down every now and then and ask him why? Why me? Why do you deal with me? I wouldn’t deal with me. And he always just holds me close and whispers “Because I love you, no matter what.” I try to tell him everything. I really do. But not my daily sadness. I can’t. Any time he sees me sad, he always ask what he can do more? Why can’t he make me happy? It kills me. Every. Time. Cause he does make me happy. 1000000000% he truly does. I just have so much going on in my head, all my worries and stress, it just turns into sadness. But him just being there, listening, talking to me, holding me close, no one has ever made me feel so happy. And it honestly breaks my heart cause he gets sad when Im sad. And I’m scared one day he’ll leave me because of this sadness, so I try to hide it.
Hopefully this and my therapist helps. I really really really hope it does. With two doctors, two physio therapist, two eye doctors and now a psychiatric therapist, they must be able to help me. Get rid of the tears I shed every god damn day. Get rid of this negative, lazy, stressed, tired person that I’ve become. I want to be happy again. To laugh. To tell jokes. To really feel happiness inside and out.
That is my confession. That is what I haven’t been able to admit. To myself. To my family. And to my friends. I don’t care what you think of me, I’m sure ill get hate for posting this. But this is me trying to put a step in the right direction. To accept my flaws. And to finally take off the mask that I’ve been hiding behind for so long.